Deep Down

Deep down inside I have longed for friendships, family etc. I have allowed others to believe that I am fine the way I am. I am not! I would have loved to have been popular growing up, but I was the odd ball instead. I was made fun of daily. Mostly because I just did not fit in. I thought of death daily during my teen years. I reverted to cutting myself from time to time. Hiding my cuts from everyone on my thighs or stomach, which was always covered up. I picked at my scabs, making myself bleed and leaving lasting scars. My entire body is covered in scars. I ate everything in sight, making myself extremely fat. I was obese from middle school on and continuing now. I finally gained a few friendships my senior year of high school only to lose them a few years later.

(my actual arm today)

When I was 16 and in foster care I cut my wrists, I remember how good it felt to do it. I remember the blood pouring from my wrists. I remembering that when I die my parents would feel bad and cry over my grave apologizing for how horrible they were. I wanted them to hurt, to long for their daughter, to suffer an eternal guilt. I survived. I then resorted to ODing on pills, anything I could find. I wanted gone, this life to be left behind, the pain to be left behind. I tried many times while in foster care, even spending months at a time in psychiatric hospitals. Diagnosed with depression and given so many medications that made things worse or did not work at all.

One placement I was in sticks out in my mind because of the abuse going on in that place. The name was Denbeigh Home for girls in King of Prussia, PA, then name St Francis Home for Girls after I left. Since I was a ward of the state at this time, they did whatever they wanted to with me. No one really checked up on me or seemed to care when I spoke up. The verbal, physical and sexual abuse continued until I ran away and ended up in a residential facility until age 18.

During my time in foster care i was placed on dozens of medications and I do not remember much of those years. I am probably lucky since what little I do remember is horrible.