Decisions

I have made many messed up decisions in my life. I dont know which ones are going ot be good or bad. I definitely make many bad ones though. I started talking to my mom for like the umpteenth time just recently. I did not tell anyone for fear of rejection. Well the rest of my family found out about it and that is exactly what I got. My family does not want contact with me anymore. This decision was probably not a good one, I can guarantee that, but no one understands what I am going through, NO ONE!!! I am sick of disappointing everyone, but to just throw me away as if I do not exist is horrible. I have no family, really. My husband and my kids are all I have. I am alone, so alone. I am so sick over this. I want to hurt myself, to just make the pain go away, I want to feel nothing anymore!!!!!

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Avoiding Reality

I do not think my reality is every one elses and that scares me. I don't think I see the world the way it really is. I always thought I was pretty "normal", but more and more lately I am noticing that my perception of things around me are a bit warped. My anxieties always seemed to me to be correct, and I never understood how others did not feel the same as me. Now I look at my anxiety and see how much it hinders me and I know I am just being an idiot. Like I am afraid of left hand turns and avoid them with all cost if I actually drive. My husband has always just smiled off my issues and keeps on going. I cannot be around alcohol, people drinking or it being poured in restaurants. I get very uncomfortable when around anyone who is consuming any type of alcohol. I think very negative and hateful thoughts about those people also. I am afraid of merging onto highways, going over 45-50 mph throws me into a panic attack. I cannot be around the Amish, I cannot stand them or the sight of them. I cannot breath around them. Yes, I know some of my anxieties deal with bad things in my past. I cannot seem to let go, no matter how hard I try. will I ever be "normal"?

Mistakes

Somtimes, we do things in life that we know are mistakes. mine is allowing my mom in and out of my life. I want to have that mother figure in my life so bad that i end up hurt in the end. I am trying to build a guarded relationship, and am hoping this time I will be in control. I just hope, that like all the other times, I am not the one left to pick up the damaging pieces. I am not sure she is able to be clean and sober, but I guess in my stupidity I keep on trying.

A letter to my mother.....

As I continue with my therapy, my therapist has given me an assignment of writing my mother a letter, letting her go. I decided to do that here on my blog. I am told this will be the first of many letters to those that have affected me in life. I hope this holds some of the healing power. Dear Bev, What you have put me through these past 34 years is absolutely horrible. You have made it very clear from the time I was little until now that YOU come first and everyone else only matters if it suits you. I was always pushed away, treated like the plague by you. It was always clear who was more important in your life YOU!!!! I have had such a hard time letting go of the past, taking control of my own life and moving forward. I want to let you know that I am moving on, you owe me nothing and I owe you nothing. I am trying to fill the void you left within me with so many unhealthy things, this has to come to an end. i will no longer allow you in my life, I will no longer allow you to take control of me. I will no longer allow you to run my everyday life. You may not even realize you are doing these things, but I have allowed these things to eat me alive. I am letting go. I am letting go of the mother I always wanted as well as the mother you were and still are. I want to thank you for some things...you showed me what I NEVER want to be. You showed me how NOT to treat my kids. You showed me that I want better in my life than you allowed me to have. Good Bye Bev!!!! Kimmie

Fighting for proper mental health care

Fighting for healthcare.....has been pure hell!!!! I am one of the lucky Americans that have spent months fighting for medical coverage through the state because I cannot afford to purchase my own. I know I am mentally disabled and if really frustrates me when I have to miss important appointments and therapies or miss medication doses due to lack of funds. I am on my 2cnd appeal for medical coverage through Medicaid Disability. Everyone in the office says each time that I should be getting it, I am a prime candidate for it, but low and behold I am still being turned down and forced to be even more stressed out. I have to put out $20/ week for my therapist. Almost $100/mth for my medication. About $100/mth in gas to get back and forth between all my appointments. I am supposed to be going to therapy 3x a week and my Dr wants me to start DBT therapy soon. I cannot do that until I am covered by insurance. My poor husband works his ass off for a minimal wage job that do not care about their employees, making under $10/hr after being there for almost 20 yrs. He has applied to many places, but he is in his 50s and people just are not hiring his age group in our area. I tried babysitting to make extra money and that partly led to my breakdown and subsequent hospitalization. I do surveys online for GC to offset some cost of our needs and maybe a few wants for my kids. We do nothing fun really.....hoping to change that this coming year for my kids sake. I feel really bad for them. As my emotions run rampant and my depression runs deep, I see no way out most of the time. I am sad to say that I have continued to cut myself almost daily, feeling a bit better each time I draw blood. Why is that, why does physical pain feel better than emotional pain? I don't know if I will ever know. If you feel the want to help me financially in anyway I have added a donation button. This will go 100% to my mental health appointments and gas. Thank you everyone.

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2013, A new beginning!

I do not make resolutions, I do not like to be a failure anymore than I already am. I do pray that this year I heal more from my past and m able to focus more on a future. My future to me seems bleak right now as i am spiraling downward with this horrendous affliction on my brain. My troubles of the past keep haunting my present and keeping me from moving forward to the future. The pain, the memories are all so vivid, like its still happening to me. Trying to enjoy what I have is hell!!!! I am praying this year will be my year.

                                 I do wish all of my readers a Happy New Year!!!